I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
