After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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