Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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