So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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