My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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