I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
