They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
