Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
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