Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
