Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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