smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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