When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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