please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
