I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
