Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
