I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
