I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
