I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
