Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
babies were throwing up all over the place
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
