She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
that may or may not have been my penis.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
