You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
