Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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