dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
