So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Randomize
