I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
