I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You left your phone here
Wait...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
