he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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