Too much gin, very little bucket
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
