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toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
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