remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
