If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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