so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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