I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
