i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
