I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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