You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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