ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I wear drunk well.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
