She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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