guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My vagina just clenched in fear
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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