yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
