So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
