jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
