don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
PANTIES FOUND
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