then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
