so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
