We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
