Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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