Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
