Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
