I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
